the quieter we become, the more we can hear

Listening is a hot topic in our household.   It is brought up just a few times a day...ok, maybe more like a few dozen to be exact.  Now it could be that our kids are just loud or it may be that we had three of them in three years that contributes to the fact that everyone wants to be heard and so in order to do so, they all just talk over each other.  It is entertaining and annoying all at the same time.  As a parent it has been an interesting realization that some skills we may think of as innate, often need to be taught.  Things like kindness, generosity, patience and listening just to name a few.  This may be a comical thought to some of us because these are not only skills kids need to learn, but often we as adults have forgotten them too. 

Many say that communication is the most important skill in life. We spend years learning how to read, write, and speak, but what about listening? How is that not a topic we place more of our attention on? We have probably all found ourselves in a situation at some point where someone was talking to us and we were looking them in the eyes, nodding along politely only to realize when they finish we have no idea what they just said.  At times we may even feel like it is an impossible task to listen attentively because there is so much noise going on inside our own head that it is drowning out our capacity truly hear.

Several years ago before my husband and I had kids he shared with me a quote by Stephen Covey that I come back to again and again..."Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  Now at the time John might have been sharing that nugget of insight with me because maybe I myself wasn't being the best listener (we all are a work in progress), but this is something that culturally we do a lot.  We have difficulty listening just to listen.  Nine times out of ten we are listening with the intent of how we are going to respond or we aren't even really listening at all. 

Most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. We listen to others as we prepare in our mind what we are going to say, the questions we are going to ask, the debate we are going to ensue, etc.  In our defense, it is how we connect right?  We analyze everything we hear through our autobiography of life experiences and we often unconsciously judge, compare and prematurely decide what the other person means before he/she has even finished communicating.  

So what does it mean to each of us to be a good listener?  Is it someone who we feel like solves our problems?  Or is it someone who can create a space to hear what we are saying with an open mind that isn't trying to fix, judge or compare our situation in any way?  It is someone who listens not only with their ears, but with their heart as well?  

It is said that only seven percent (not seventy...seven) of communication is contained in the actual words we use. The rest comes from body language, how we say words, tone and the feeling reflected in the person's voice.  So let's all take some pressure off of ourselves feeling like we need to fix things for other people when they are talking and just listen, really listen.  Look into their eyes and give them your full undivided attention and presence.  It is actually amazing how often people aren't looking for us to respond.  They just want/need someone to listen to them and when we can create a space for them to do so, they often figure out the answers for themselves. 

As we become better listeners, we become better parents, partners, leaders, workers and friends too. Developing this skill threads its way through every aspect of our existence and the first step begins with us.  We can't expect to be a great listener to someone else if we haven't developed that skill within our self.  Ram Dass reminds us that, "The quieter we become, the more we can hear."  Reducing distractions and making time for solitude each day is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our self.  It is in this silence where our perception becomes more clear, where the meaning of life becomes more vivid and where the answers to our questions are either revealed or fade away.  It is a place that is beyond our stories, our accomplishments or our miseries. 

Little by little, moment by moment, day by day we become more comfortable in this space.  We practice becoming reacquainted with what it means to listen from the inside out and this insight shifts our perception of reality in a whole new way.  As simple as listening is, it is not easy.  It actually takes great courage to listen from a place deeper than our own chattering mind or the opinion of someone else, but when we realize there is an intelligence that exists within us that is beyond words, this is where great wisdom and clarity resides.   This is where the heart is whispering to us clear as day if we get quiet enough to hear to...

Live love!
Alysha

Let's all help each other evolve and share a comment below about what being a great listener means to you.  If you are in need of a little solitude in your day, here is my treat to you...a 25 minute yoga practice for any time of day.  www.bemindbodyshift.com/body.html*scroll to the bottom of the page-ENJOY!